The big political news of the last week was the announcement by Tony Blair that he intends quitting as Prime Minister by next May. This has led to open warfare in the Labour party between those who support the PM and those who don't. One notable Blair supporter, Charles Clarke launched an outspoken attack on Gordon Brown, calling him "absolutely stupid". Given Clarke's less-than-stellar efforts as both Education and Home Secretary, this was akin to Kermit the Frog calling someone else a muppet.
Things I used to do, that I don't do any more:-
I used to:
Eat sticks of rhubarb accompanied by an egg cup full of sugar for dipping purposes
Play football down the park in my school trousers (not a good idea if you liked to slide tackle or go in goal)
Consider a meal at the Berni Inn as the height of sophistication
Watch every minute of Grandstand's six hour pre-FA Cup Final coverage (ditto the Grand National)
Get up at 4 a.m. on Christmas morning
Look forward to school holidays
Listen to the Top 40 on Radio 1 every Sunday
Get up off the settee to turn the TV over
In medical news, a new drug has been trialled in America for premature ejaculation. It is said that the drug increases the time of intercourse from under a minute to up to three minutes and nineteen seconds (did they use a stopwatch to time it?). I presume that this includes the foreplay as well (what?). Possible side effects include psychiatric problems - so if, during the afterglow, a man says he's MADLY in love with you, he may actually be telling the truth - plus skin reactions (that itchy rash may not need penicillin after all) and changes in bodyweight, obviously due to all the extra 'aerobic' exercise the man would have to do.
Contrary to the views of its critics, I think television can be quite educational. Having caught the odd episode of Neighbours and Home and Away here and there, I have learnt the following stuff about Australia and its inhabitants:-
1) No one has an upstairs
2) All the blokes are called 'mate'
3) Everyone under 40 either jog and/or surf and/or play Aussie Rules and/or do triathlons
4) Due to number 3 above, nobody under 40 is overweight
5) Despite having lots of sheep, they have no use for wool (never spotted so much as a cardigan)
6) Wherever you are, there will be a diner within five minutes walking distance
7) Middle aged (and older) men wear short-sleeved checked shirts
8) All businessmen are evil and ruthless
9) There are never any burglaries despite the fact that nobody ever locks their back door
10) Everyone always has orange juice in their fridge
11) Everybody eats meals at the table but no one goes to the toilet
12) On the rare occasions when it rains, it is usually torrential and accompanied by thunder and lightning
13) Some Australians must have real problems at Customs when showing their passports, given that they appear able to radically alter their appearance virtually overnight (almost as if they were somebody else)
In other news, rapper Sean Combs is no longer able to use the name "Diddy" (why would a rapper want to be known as that anyway?) in the UK after settling out of court with music producer, Richard "Diddy" Dearlove, who had been using the title in this country for some time. Surely David Hamilton should be suing both of them for millions. Given that Mr. Combs already has "Puffy" and "Puff Daddy" as alternative monickers (who says Americans don't appreciate irony?), surely having any more is just being plain greedy.
Finally, last week saw the death of 'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin following an attack by a stingray - an attack that was apparently caught on camera. During the subsequent days, how many of us have either heard, and laughed at, jokes about the incident or would have an interest in seeing the fatal footage? For those of you who answered any part of that question in the positive, I have a message for you.................congratulations on being human.
I have attached one of those personality test type questionnaires. Feel free to have a go.
Thanks.
Steve (Victor Meldrew's lovechild)
PERSONALITY TEST:
1) You are walking round town and wish to dispose of some litter. Do you -
a) chuck it on the ground instead of the bin next to you
b) walk around for a little while trying to find a bin and then throw it to the ground if unsuccessful
c) keep hold of it until you find a bin, even if it means taking it home with you
2) Someone waiting to come in holds a door open for you, how do you react -
a) walk straight through, making sure NOT to acknowledge the other person
b) walk straight through but say "thank you" as you do so
c) insist that the other person comes through the other way first
3) Your mobile phone plays music. Whilst travelling on a bus, do you -
a) play the music at full volume, only interrupting to have a conversation loud enough so that the rest of the bus can hear about your fascinating life
b) try to lessen the volume by wearing earphones, thus only being a minor irritant to other passengers
c) accept that you don't have the right to impose your noise on others, and decide to listen to it later
4) When buying a new car, what features are most important to you -
a) the size of the exhaust and stereo system
b) miles per gallon, top speed and colour
c) reliability and safety
5) Your son wants to play football and there is a park at the bottom of the street. Do you -
a) tell them to play in the garden because you can't be arsed to walk to the park. Besides, the neighbours won't mind having their windows broken.
b) explain that you're a little busy at the moment, but will take them down the park when you get a chance.
c) drop everything and take them down the park, as that's what it's there for.
6) When you see a new phone box, what is your first thought -
a) "Great, can't wait to take the sledge hammer and spray can to that"
b) "I don't see the point, it'll be smashed to bits by tomorrow morning"
c) "At least there'll be somewhere to call from in an emergency"
7) If you were a 13 year old girl, where would you see yourself in five years time -
a) In a big house paid for by the local council, due to my four kids all by different dads. I'll be pulling 20 grand a year in benefits and all my bills will be paid by the taxpayer. I won't have to work a day in my life
b) Just starting out at university trying to better myself and get a head start
c) Getting a job and trying to make a meaningful contribution to society
Results:
Mostly a's - you are completely selfish, arrogant and inconsiderate, which makes you a model member of modern English society. You are indeed a round peg in a round hole. Congratulations!
Mostly b's - your tendency towards thoughtful behaviour is worrying, as being different from the other sheep marks you down as someone to be ridiculed and persecuted. However, it's not too late and with a little hard work and application, you too can be integrated into the fast food, instant-win culture.
Mostly c's - you are thoughtful, humble and polite, i.e. just the type of dinosaur that gives the rest of us a bad name. Your behaviour has no place in today's society and we recommend that you bugger off to somewhere like Canada, you freak!
